Also known as "damnit" today.
Over the years I've come to believe that I am an empath. Sometimes under certain conditions I can feel the emotions another person is feeling as if they were my own. It's not the same as empathizing, I don't feel sympathy for another person's hurt, I see them hurting and I hurt as I imagine they are and over the years those feelings that other people encapsulate have become more distinct more real, more tinged with other things. Yesterday was one of those days, though today had some leftovers.
The thing is, it wasn't a normal, I am interacting with a person I am close to / know well and then got feedback from their emotion. No, it was one of the much more rare instances where instead of getting a little bit of feedback from someone I could see, I got mugged by the emotions of a person I could not see. This happens every once in a while. Someone who I am very close to gets a surge of thoughts or emotions that I in turn am effected by them. There have all been all sorts of crazy things that have happened to me over the years that have made energy seem like the only viable explanation for spots in my life, and this is one of those things that certainly fits.
It's not the first time. Back in college one of my then girlfriends and I were able to transfer energy back and forth to the point where so long as one of us had rested we'd both be able to stay standing. She could in turn sense my emotions and the feelings I was giving off... which made trying to de-stress around her interesting. But the moment that particularly shocked me, even when, at that point, I used energy more and was around other people who used it, came when I was in Italy walking around a museum, happy and calm, and she was at home in New York. Apparently her brother who she cared a lot for was boarding a plane and she was worried for him, so worried for him she had a mini panic attack... which I felt all the way over in Italy. One moment I was smiling, enjoying life, walking around a museum and the next I was overcome by panic myself. Obviously, there was no immediate danger to me, my parents were nearby, and as far as I could tell I was safe. Nothing in particular that I should be worried about. So I calmed myself, rationalized, grounded. Then I felt the point where I felt panic, traced it back, sent focus and calming to the point where it came from, until it stopped being panic and calmed. I didn't know at the time I was interacting with her. That came later when I called her. But having your entire emotional landscape just sideswiped out of the blue is one of those things I can't really explain without energy, without being an empath, because it happens so rarely. The alternative I guess is that I'm schizophrenic :-P.
It's happened a few times since then. My buddy Ian survived a fire where he lived, but all his stuff went up in smoke. Something like a year and a half later he broke down. A person I knew back when I was living in Mojave got ditched by the side of the road and the rage she felt was something that made it's way back to me. Today, I still don't know whose emotions found me. Something that was fear, rage, and anguish. As I think about the particular way in which the anguish felt - the pain of losing something, frustration for what wasn't - I suspect I may have my answer. *sigh*. If I'm right though there's nothing I can do for that one, I just have to let it burn out. If I'm right it's someone I was sleeping with pining away for me. They fell for me, I didn't fall for them. So I cut things off and for the last month or two they've been trying to find ways to get back with me. I guess on the upside if those were her emotions that I felt that means closure will come soon and that can be one less thing for me to worry about. I've never been much a fan of breaking hearts but sometimes you can't spare everyone. Sometimes it's you or them and when it comes to matters of the heart if you don't choose yourself you're only doing the other person a disservice. If love isn't mutual, what's the point?
So today was a bad day to be an empath, as it so happens everyone once and again. But the flipside being that there are many good days to be an empath. Love is something you get to experience two-fold and when people around you are happy it's enough to make your heart swell. Besides, I think I would have become a very callous person if not for being unfortunately sensitive in this way. There's nothing to do for it now though. Being an empath is it's own truth. Being happy or sad about it is mostly wasted energy. Only thing I can do is try my best to make sure I bring more good into my life then bad so I'm buoyed by positive energy rather then poisoned by negative energy... but I think that's good advice for anyone :-P.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Channeling divinity
Still going to take the time to keep talking about energy and talking about my life separate since sometimes the energy stuff doesn't even seem real to me. Not really sure what my last post here was... not really sure I care.
I've been ironing out my own internal system of energy for a while now, after screwing it up by doing some Chi-Kung wrong and recently it's finally started to bounce back some. Much of the energy work that I used to be able to do I can actually do again. Being able to summon rain seems to be firing pretty consistently as does being able to summon the sun. I was also able to ask for a random object from the universe and it just sort of showed up the next time I walked outside as I had envisioned it in my mind - blue, close rimmed sunglasses. They even fit well :-P. More over though, what I'm really starting to notice is the hum of energy as it flows through my own body. The way that I can make my voice resonate with energy again, the way that my limbs feel like they're buzzing, and the way that I'm starting to tune into the natural world around me again. Being able to actually feel the presence of trees is... something that hasn't happened down here in SoCal yet. One day I just sort of randomly synced up again, I'm not sure I really have a clear way of describing that. Something like... I got my own energy to be calm and at peace with the world around me, separate from it, but also linked into it and when I did that I found the trees because they were in a similar state, calm, separate but a part of it all.
So, while all of that is good, I still feel like I have a long ways to go. I got sick which means I'm far from bullet proof, and it's taking a while to get out of. I don't get sick that often (I think) but when I do it usually takes me a while to recover. Probably something to do with being just generally overextended. So what I want now is to go from channeling my own energy to channeling the energy of the universe, because that's the difference between having a lot of energy and having infinite energy. Even with all the particular stunts I've pulled with energy to increase how much of it I can store, it's still very much finite. My previous hubris was thinking it was infinite and all I got from that was all of it burned out of me. Sure, I'd been collecting energy for years, so it took a while but it happened all the same, and after that, after all the energy I'd been used to having was gone, I just sort of fell apart and all the energy work I was able to do fell to pieces as well. ...so! Aside from not letting someone slowly drain me of all the energy I posses, it seems like a good idea for me to actually try to build a system that's linked to something that won't collapse. It seems like a good idea to build a system that's a bit more robust and is harder both for myself and for others to tamper with.
We'll see how that goes :-P. For now, the simple things. Get the energy moving through my veins, get the energy resonating in my bones, get all my chakras up and running strong, and link all the existing systems so that they reinforce one another. THEN I can worry about trying to channel divinity since I suspect it ends in disaster if my energy systems can't handle the extra influx of power. Chi Kung is probably the first step after I've got the rest ironed out. *sigh* so much work to do even after so much progress made, ah well, onward.
I've been ironing out my own internal system of energy for a while now, after screwing it up by doing some Chi-Kung wrong and recently it's finally started to bounce back some. Much of the energy work that I used to be able to do I can actually do again. Being able to summon rain seems to be firing pretty consistently as does being able to summon the sun. I was also able to ask for a random object from the universe and it just sort of showed up the next time I walked outside as I had envisioned it in my mind - blue, close rimmed sunglasses. They even fit well :-P. More over though, what I'm really starting to notice is the hum of energy as it flows through my own body. The way that I can make my voice resonate with energy again, the way that my limbs feel like they're buzzing, and the way that I'm starting to tune into the natural world around me again. Being able to actually feel the presence of trees is... something that hasn't happened down here in SoCal yet. One day I just sort of randomly synced up again, I'm not sure I really have a clear way of describing that. Something like... I got my own energy to be calm and at peace with the world around me, separate from it, but also linked into it and when I did that I found the trees because they were in a similar state, calm, separate but a part of it all.
So, while all of that is good, I still feel like I have a long ways to go. I got sick which means I'm far from bullet proof, and it's taking a while to get out of. I don't get sick that often (I think) but when I do it usually takes me a while to recover. Probably something to do with being just generally overextended. So what I want now is to go from channeling my own energy to channeling the energy of the universe, because that's the difference between having a lot of energy and having infinite energy. Even with all the particular stunts I've pulled with energy to increase how much of it I can store, it's still very much finite. My previous hubris was thinking it was infinite and all I got from that was all of it burned out of me. Sure, I'd been collecting energy for years, so it took a while but it happened all the same, and after that, after all the energy I'd been used to having was gone, I just sort of fell apart and all the energy work I was able to do fell to pieces as well. ...so! Aside from not letting someone slowly drain me of all the energy I posses, it seems like a good idea for me to actually try to build a system that's linked to something that won't collapse. It seems like a good idea to build a system that's a bit more robust and is harder both for myself and for others to tamper with.
We'll see how that goes :-P. For now, the simple things. Get the energy moving through my veins, get the energy resonating in my bones, get all my chakras up and running strong, and link all the existing systems so that they reinforce one another. THEN I can worry about trying to channel divinity since I suspect it ends in disaster if my energy systems can't handle the extra influx of power. Chi Kung is probably the first step after I've got the rest ironed out. *sigh* so much work to do even after so much progress made, ah well, onward.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
masks + fragments 2
this is where it gets stranger.
I think I'm mostly through putting together something akin to a skeletal and structure with muscalature as far as an energy imprint is concerned. I can feel my chakras, and though two of them are weak, they still glow faintly. The rest shine brightly. Given that one of them has ALWAYS been weak, I think I'll call that good enough for now. In the meantime I've just got one that last piece to warm up again. Last chakra is the one in the throat, I don't happen to recall the name given to it, but counting up it's number 5/7. That piece seems to have mostly slipped back into place. When I speak my words are laced with power, and it's either evocative of emotion and feeling or its a sense of authority that goes with them. My words become whatever I want them to be, and let me do whatever I want them to do. I can work energy through speech by tying conviction and will to my words.
...I got distracted.
Where it gets strange is all the stuff I used to have built up over the years on top of the basics of "I exist, I have energy, I am conscious of my existence and when I speak I do so with conviction." I used to be packing spirits. Carrying at least 2 of them with me, although someone tried to make me believe that a mask I wore or an aspect of myself that I switched in and out of was actually it's own independent entity. I suppose given that I believe that there's any alternate thing other then myself in my own body it's not too much of a stretch... o_0. But all the same it seems wrong to me.
Everyone inherently produces their own 'kind' of energy which is entirely unique to that person. That energy signature let's you know who they are at all times, and if you're somewhere along the path of working/seeing energy you can see some of that in their aura. A person's aura holds at base that energy of who they are, but since it's projected outward it also holds some of what they're feeling right then, as well as what they think of themselves and what they've been through. If you can learn to read an aura you can pick up on some of those things without knowing anything else about the person. This method in particular is how I decide who I interact with. If a person has a bad aura, either because they're constantly depressed, they think poorly of themselves or some part of them is inherently 'bad' or 'evil' I tend to steer clear. Since what I do worst is see energy (I'd describe my sense more of FEELING or TASTING energy, though I can see somewhat too...) I can never really tell where the distinction between the three things lies.
Why the long tangent? for the next piece of course. I generate on my own several different kinds of energy that are 'my own'. I don't just have the one kind of energy that seems to be true of most people. That said though I've basically got one baseline and then a few other forms of it. ...though come to think of it I'm sure everyone is that way too, they probably just don't undergo the kind of random switches that I do as often. I've watched people suddenly get violent and generally speaking we term it as them 'not being the same person'. I'm sure it's just that their energy has switched. So anyways... back to my specific experience.
One aspect I name 'furple' which is a really stupid nickname I got from a friend. I had purple hair and decided that the haircut I had looked like an 'afro' so I tried to weld the words purple and afro together. After messing around with trying to pronounce 'frurple' for a while I just dropped the initial 'r'. Even though the nickname was dumb, (and still is), the kind of irreverant love of language that had spawned it stuck with me, so the nickname has stayed around. When I feel most irreverant, most mocking, most amused by everything in existence, and often when I'm just happiest, I take on that particular kind of energy, which I think is very much like my own if/when it happens to run pure. I'm a pisces so the kind of trickster/water aspect makes a lot of sense.
The other major one is feral which is a response to the base emotions of my world. Whenever I get tired I get closer to that approach to the world. While in that feral state I only care about sleep, food, fight and sex... and pretty much in that order. Sleep and food are self explanatory, though at the point where I'm feral and food comes up... I'm likely to attack someone who moves in on my meal. Fight just means survival instinct, protect myself and all that. Sex... also obvious, the kind of carnal craving for wild hardcore sex. Good times if I get that way and I'm dating someone who isn't afraid of me then.
Those really the main two shifts from baseline. There's really only one other one I can think of and I've just dubbed it 'wolf'. It's like fusing the two of those together. It feels like a moment when I'm running at my best. My mind works as fast as it can go, and it's clever. But my body also goes full tilt like it would while I'm under the mask of 'feral'. The kind of mindset is interesting too. It's both merciful, merciless and extremely smart. I shift from being either overly concerned with hurting people or being angry enough that I really WANT to hurt someone to avoiding hurting people if I can or otherwise just running them over as much as is needed to get to what I want.
:-P.
So, fragments.
I used to have lots of random pieces. I had a pocket angel, a pocket demon, a pocket port/universe, a dynamo, an energy converter, a set of armor on call, an ...angelic aura? on call, tidal sway, connections to other people, connections to the elements and the land, and any number of minor energy workings that served little purpose other then to be ornaments. I'll start at the top and add things as I remember them. ...it can even become something of a hit list.
1) pocket angel
The idea of a pocket angel was to have holy energy / white light on call. It's not something I generate inherently so I have to channel it from somewhere. Like people who do Reiki...only I'm an odd one. In addition to providing me with white light whenever I needed it, I could also use the white light on other people to cast a minor protective aura on them. Finally the pocket angel also saved me from myself when I got too miserable and tried to self-destruct by either emptying myself of energy or turning it all black and stagnant. At these times I'd get flushed with white light to stop myself from doing just that.
2) pocket demon
The idea of a pocket demon is now more confusing then it ever was before but what it used to be was an energy construct which would kill bad things. It was the power to be able to end things. Often those 'things' were disturbed and evil spirits - the ghosts of murders or pyscho's, though it would also seek out and kill other evil spirits which were not at one point human. Demons I guess, since I'm not sure what you'd call an evil being of energy which is non-human if NOT a demon. The power to end things was also the power to consume. So I could use it to eat up bad energy too. It didn't have to be sentient at all. This let me do many GOOD things like clearing out blocked energy in a persons limb, or taking what I'd term a curse off of some haunted place. It also meant when working with people that if they had something that was blocking them from an important realization that I could simply tear that down, consume that too. I find the idea of consuming things which are intangible and not of some kind of sentient nature is even harder to explain then I thought it would be... oh well. Perhaps you'll understand anyways.
As previously mentioned these are things I USED to have... I'm not sure what happened to either of them. Though, having seen what they could do, perhaps I'll be able to do it on my own now. ...more on that in a second.
3) A pocket portal/universe
ah... one of the more interesting things I discovered. So here's the breakdown. If you can move energy with your mind then you can move it anywhere you want it to go. Since we tend to think linearly we tend to move energy across lines, the way we'd move any other kind of solid object. But, since it's energy and it's just following your will, there's no reason to conform our normal ideas of moving it. So rather then have it flow in straight lines it's possible to have it jump from point to point without really 'travelling' across the gap. Kind of like, teleportation for energy. It enters at one point and then appears at another without ever having been at any space between them. So that's basically what I learned to do. At first it was really small jumps, and then it was bigger jumps. What eventually occured to me was to link a portal between myself and just this general conception of space. So I could take energy directed at me (a very specific point) and disperse it across the universe by simply using myself as a portal to shunt it elsewhere. So this particular energy 'thing' is arguably just a portal, but it's like having the universe on hand when I need it.
4) A dynamo
hey! less strange. I have lots and lots of repressed anger. I get pissed off at a lot of things and then am unable to really do much about it. A great example would be at my job. I work for a company programming bits and piece of their website, writing scripts, keeping a DB up to speed and doing tech support for the team out on the field. Ya know, the kind of general tech job that could be anywhere :-P. I continue to run into legacy code that sucks and no matter how much I complain that the IT department needs to fix it (because I'd LOVE to tear it apart and write it better) my boss never lets us do anything about it. So after a while I just stop bitching about the poorly written code and instead just get annoyed with it in the corner. So, rage. The problem with having all this anger build up, (aside from the usual problems) is that I have a more intense anger then most people do. I suspect, though I'm not certain, since I'm adopted and don't know anything about my father that I've got both Irish and Italian blood in me. I know for a fact that I've got lots of Polish blood in me, so fortunately that usually mitigates my temper, as I think I have more of that then the Irish/Italian part. However... that does mean that when I do finally let my anger out, because there's so much of it I have a ridiculous temper. Knowing this, when I blow up I get away from people and things so as not to break objects or hurt people... though I've hurt plenty of people who wouldn't get out of my way when I gave obvious warnings that they should do so.
So what the dynamo does for me is it keeps my anger in one place, and turns it into fuel. So long as I have some amount of rage in me I can burn it to keep doing whatever I'm doing. The more tired I am, the more rage I need to keep going. It's not the kind of thing that I ever seem to run out of though. The dynamo also controls how much I let out at once, making sure that I use my anger in constructive ways when I need to instead of just having it burn up all at once or getting too hot to the point where I get flooded by it. From the perspective of things that help me survive that's #1 priority to get back because otherwise I don't have any place to put the anger so instead of being used constructively it sits in my limbs and kills the normal flow of energy.
[... *sigh* tricks I should have never learned? working emotions into my stress so that when knots come out I get flooded by anger, sadness or memories. Bad times...]
5) An energy converter.
About my favorite thing in the world. I haven't really met too many people who work energy, and when I do meet people who work energy, they often do it poorly, or perhaps they're good at seeing but not at doing. In any case I have little to no experience with most other people's experience of energy because I don't get informed about this stuff. Hence a blog, since I don't have peers to work with. ...though with what I've done and continue to do I sometimes wonder if I even have people who are on the level with me. But lest I get distracted again, moving on so I can reach an end to this piece. One of the things I've discovered about myself along this path is that any energy work I've ever seen I can recreate. So long as I can remember what the energy I saw was like I can generate that same energy at any time I wish. Some kinds of energy are harder to make then others, but by and large it isn't a problem. I think at one point long ago I had an energy converter that would simply take in energy and put out whatever kind of energy I wanted. Now it seems more like I summon the kind of energy I need, although from where, I haven't a clue. So that would be something good to get back. It made doing many things nearly effortless. Now I can still do the same thing but it's much harder. As a random sidenote from earlier, once I see a persons aura I can generate their kind of energy just like I would my own. A neat trick that has come in handy more often than I would have expected.
6) Bonds
Between people, things, and nature.
People-
Once I get to know someone well enough and the bond between us is strong enough I can feel them whenever I put my mind to thinking about them, (or if they're close enough, so long as I don't actively try not to). ...did I mention I'm an empath? I'm an empath. I can feel the emotions that other people feel as if they were my own, and if my link to a person is strong enough they don't have to be next to me, they just have to be vaguely nearby. The stronger the connection, the further out that distance gets, depending on the strength of the emotion they're experiencing. To date, the strongest link was between a girlfriend and I, they were in the east coast and I was in Switzerland when the panice they suddenly started feeling swept over me while I was just chilling enjoying a museum. ...trippy. one of those kinds of experiences that makes me believe in energy. A bond between myself an another person is a conduit for energy and that's why I pick up their emotions. It also means I can transfer energy to them, take energy from them, work energy on or around them and do any number of other stupid energy tricks I've learned.
Nature.
I don't have any kind of proof to document this... because if I could prove it was real it would fuck with my head too much, but I think I can call weather. Like anything with energy it doesn't work all the time, and maybe it's just coincidence when I call for a type of weather and it comes, but it seems like it works more often then not if my energy is doing what it's supposed to. (Though a valid counter response is that I'm just sensitive enough to changes in pressure in the ozone that I make myself believe I want the kind of weather that's coming. THAT we have documented evidence for :-P ... ah rational side of my brain... never giving up). Ties to nature isn't just about bringing rain or sun when I want it though. Largley it also ties to plant life and feeling like parks that have particularly active plants respond to my presence, feed me energy, pull stress off of me, and general shelter me if I'm under attack. My guess is that growing up working energy in a Redwood forest just has me more tuned into that kind of thing then other people. For all I know trees always respond that way to humanity and most of us just don't notice. I also pull energy directly from the earth just by walking over it and if I'm near a body of water or a place where there once was water even then I feel pulled in to that location.
Things-
Anything I wear or keep near me I use as a battery. I charge it with my energy so that if I get tired or weary I can pull the energy back out of it to replenish myself. Since more often then not I have too much energy it's usually not a problem. My own energy is also easy to recognize, so in the same way that I'm empathic to other people I can (to a much lesser degree) do the same thing with objects that I've put some of my energy into, just as far as tracking them and working energy through them. ...I guess I can also somewhat 'feel' around them the way that I feel other things with energy, but that doesn't work as well... it's pretty weak.
7) Ornaments
The last few things are ornamentation. They aren't the kind of epic, world altering things that the rest of the list is. Armor on call is just a set of shields that forms to my body and if you look into any book on energy working I'm sure you can find some references to shields in their. Similarly I've crafted weapons for use with tearing down other energy structures, severing ties or attacking other sentient things of energy, people/spirits/demons/whatever. ...haven't ever fucked with a god yet, though I've seen the imprint of one after a pagan ceremony once. At the time it was easier to just sort of duck my head and be unseen. ...if you want you can look up techniques for shrouding too, that's also not so hard, unless your aura is as large as mine... then it's a bit more tricky. Though I twitch violently for the comparison it's much easier to hide something human sized or smaller then it is to try and hide something that is a block wide. ...stupid massive aura.
So the above is the hitlist. Reconnecting those 6 things in whatever order seems most convenient. I'm powerful enough as it is that even without 1 and 2 I can still pretty much take care of myself, and wreck or protect things, so I may not need to try and rebuild/refind? those things. The dynamo is an immediate must, which I think I follow with the portal then the energy converter, or something like that in its place. After all those things then its getting more energy in bonds pushed around. ...*sigh* so back to tinkering and rebuilding years worth of work.
I think I'm mostly through putting together something akin to a skeletal and structure with muscalature as far as an energy imprint is concerned. I can feel my chakras, and though two of them are weak, they still glow faintly. The rest shine brightly. Given that one of them has ALWAYS been weak, I think I'll call that good enough for now. In the meantime I've just got one that last piece to warm up again. Last chakra is the one in the throat, I don't happen to recall the name given to it, but counting up it's number 5/7. That piece seems to have mostly slipped back into place. When I speak my words are laced with power, and it's either evocative of emotion and feeling or its a sense of authority that goes with them. My words become whatever I want them to be, and let me do whatever I want them to do. I can work energy through speech by tying conviction and will to my words.
Where it gets strange is all the stuff I used to have built up over the years on top of the basics of "I exist, I have energy, I am conscious of my existence and when I speak I do so with conviction." I used to be packing spirits. Carrying at least 2 of them with me, although someone tried to make me believe that a mask I wore or an aspect of myself that I switched in and out of was actually it's own independent entity. I suppose given that I believe that there's any alternate thing other then myself in my own body it's not too much of a stretch... o_0. But all the same it seems wrong to me.
Everyone inherently produces their own 'kind' of energy which is entirely unique to that person. That energy signature let's you know who they are at all times, and if you're somewhere along the path of working/seeing energy you can see some of that in their aura. A person's aura holds at base that energy of who they are, but since it's projected outward it also holds some of what they're feeling right then, as well as what they think of themselves and what they've been through. If you can learn to read an aura you can pick up on some of those things without knowing anything else about the person. This method in particular is how I decide who I interact with. If a person has a bad aura, either because they're constantly depressed, they think poorly of themselves or some part of them is inherently 'bad' or 'evil' I tend to steer clear. Since what I do worst is see energy (I'd describe my sense more of FEELING or TASTING energy, though I can see somewhat too...) I can never really tell where the distinction between the three things lies.
Why the long tangent? for the next piece of course. I generate on my own several different kinds of energy that are 'my own'. I don't just have the one kind of energy that seems to be true of most people. That said though I've basically got one baseline and then a few other forms of it. ...though come to think of it I'm sure everyone is that way too, they probably just don't undergo the kind of random switches that I do as often. I've watched people suddenly get violent and generally speaking we term it as them 'not being the same person'. I'm sure it's just that their energy has switched. So anyways... back to my specific experience.
One aspect I name 'furple' which is a really stupid nickname I got from a friend. I had purple hair and decided that the haircut I had looked like an 'afro' so I tried to weld the words purple and afro together. After messing around with trying to pronounce 'frurple' for a while I just dropped the initial 'r'. Even though the nickname was dumb, (and still is), the kind of irreverant love of language that had spawned it stuck with me, so the nickname has stayed around. When I feel most irreverant, most mocking, most amused by everything in existence, and often when I'm just happiest, I take on that particular kind of energy, which I think is very much like my own if/when it happens to run pure. I'm a pisces so the kind of trickster/water aspect makes a lot of sense.
The other major one is feral which is a response to the base emotions of my world. Whenever I get tired I get closer to that approach to the world. While in that feral state I only care about sleep, food, fight and sex... and pretty much in that order. Sleep and food are self explanatory, though at the point where I'm feral and food comes up... I'm likely to attack someone who moves in on my meal. Fight just means survival instinct, protect myself and all that. Sex... also obvious, the kind of carnal craving for wild hardcore sex. Good times if I get that way and I'm dating someone who isn't afraid of me then.
Those really the main two shifts from baseline. There's really only one other one I can think of and I've just dubbed it 'wolf'. It's like fusing the two of those together. It feels like a moment when I'm running at my best. My mind works as fast as it can go, and it's clever. But my body also goes full tilt like it would while I'm under the mask of 'feral'. The kind of mindset is interesting too. It's both merciful, merciless and extremely smart. I shift from being either overly concerned with hurting people or being angry enough that I really WANT to hurt someone to avoiding hurting people if I can or otherwise just running them over as much as is needed to get to what I want.
So, fragments.
I used to have lots of random pieces. I had a pocket angel, a pocket demon, a pocket port/universe, a dynamo, an energy converter, a set of armor on call, an ...angelic aura? on call, tidal sway, connections to other people, connections to the elements and the land, and any number of minor energy workings that served little purpose other then to be ornaments. I'll start at the top and add things as I remember them. ...it can even become something of a hit list.
1) pocket angel
The idea of a pocket angel was to have holy energy / white light on call. It's not something I generate inherently so I have to channel it from somewhere. Like people who do Reiki...only I'm an odd one. In addition to providing me with white light whenever I needed it, I could also use the white light on other people to cast a minor protective aura on them. Finally the pocket angel also saved me from myself when I got too miserable and tried to self-destruct by either emptying myself of energy or turning it all black and stagnant. At these times I'd get flushed with white light to stop myself from doing just that.
2) pocket demon
The idea of a pocket demon is now more confusing then it ever was before but what it used to be was an energy construct which would kill bad things. It was the power to be able to end things. Often those 'things' were disturbed and evil spirits - the ghosts of murders or pyscho's, though it would also seek out and kill other evil spirits which were not at one point human. Demons I guess, since I'm not sure what you'd call an evil being of energy which is non-human if NOT a demon. The power to end things was also the power to consume. So I could use it to eat up bad energy too. It didn't have to be sentient at all. This let me do many GOOD things like clearing out blocked energy in a persons limb, or taking what I'd term a curse off of some haunted place. It also meant when working with people that if they had something that was blocking them from an important realization that I could simply tear that down, consume that too. I find the idea of consuming things which are intangible and not of some kind of sentient nature is even harder to explain then I thought it would be... oh well. Perhaps you'll understand anyways.
As previously mentioned these are things I USED to have... I'm not sure what happened to either of them. Though, having seen what they could do, perhaps I'll be able to do it on my own now. ...more on that in a second.
3) A pocket portal/universe
ah... one of the more interesting things I discovered. So here's the breakdown. If you can move energy with your mind then you can move it anywhere you want it to go. Since we tend to think linearly we tend to move energy across lines, the way we'd move any other kind of solid object. But, since it's energy and it's just following your will, there's no reason to conform our normal ideas of moving it. So rather then have it flow in straight lines it's possible to have it jump from point to point without really 'travelling' across the gap. Kind of like, teleportation for energy. It enters at one point and then appears at another without ever having been at any space between them. So that's basically what I learned to do. At first it was really small jumps, and then it was bigger jumps. What eventually occured to me was to link a portal between myself and just this general conception of space. So I could take energy directed at me (a very specific point) and disperse it across the universe by simply using myself as a portal to shunt it elsewhere. So this particular energy 'thing' is arguably just a portal, but it's like having the universe on hand when I need it.
4) A dynamo
hey! less strange. I have lots and lots of repressed anger. I get pissed off at a lot of things and then am unable to really do much about it. A great example would be at my job. I work for a company programming bits and piece of their website, writing scripts, keeping a DB up to speed and doing tech support for the team out on the field. Ya know, the kind of general tech job that could be anywhere :-P. I continue to run into legacy code that sucks and no matter how much I complain that the IT department needs to fix it (because I'd LOVE to tear it apart and write it better) my boss never lets us do anything about it. So after a while I just stop bitching about the poorly written code and instead just get annoyed with it in the corner. So, rage. The problem with having all this anger build up, (aside from the usual problems) is that I have a more intense anger then most people do. I suspect, though I'm not certain, since I'm adopted and don't know anything about my father that I've got both Irish and Italian blood in me. I know for a fact that I've got lots of Polish blood in me, so fortunately that usually mitigates my temper, as I think I have more of that then the Irish/Italian part. However... that does mean that when I do finally let my anger out, because there's so much of it I have a ridiculous temper. Knowing this, when I blow up I get away from people and things so as not to break objects or hurt people... though I've hurt plenty of people who wouldn't get out of my way when I gave obvious warnings that they should do so.
So what the dynamo does for me is it keeps my anger in one place, and turns it into fuel. So long as I have some amount of rage in me I can burn it to keep doing whatever I'm doing. The more tired I am, the more rage I need to keep going. It's not the kind of thing that I ever seem to run out of though. The dynamo also controls how much I let out at once, making sure that I use my anger in constructive ways when I need to instead of just having it burn up all at once or getting too hot to the point where I get flooded by it. From the perspective of things that help me survive that's #1 priority to get back because otherwise I don't have any place to put the anger so instead of being used constructively it sits in my limbs and kills the normal flow of energy.
[... *sigh* tricks I should have never learned? working emotions into my stress so that when knots come out I get flooded by anger, sadness or memories. Bad times...]
5) An energy converter.
About my favorite thing in the world. I haven't really met too many people who work energy, and when I do meet people who work energy, they often do it poorly, or perhaps they're good at seeing but not at doing. In any case I have little to no experience with most other people's experience of energy because I don't get informed about this stuff. Hence a blog, since I don't have peers to work with. ...though with what I've done and continue to do I sometimes wonder if I even have people who are on the level with me. But lest I get distracted again, moving on so I can reach an end to this piece. One of the things I've discovered about myself along this path is that any energy work I've ever seen I can recreate. So long as I can remember what the energy I saw was like I can generate that same energy at any time I wish. Some kinds of energy are harder to make then others, but by and large it isn't a problem. I think at one point long ago I had an energy converter that would simply take in energy and put out whatever kind of energy I wanted. Now it seems more like I summon the kind of energy I need, although from where, I haven't a clue. So that would be something good to get back. It made doing many things nearly effortless. Now I can still do the same thing but it's much harder. As a random sidenote from earlier, once I see a persons aura I can generate their kind of energy just like I would my own. A neat trick that has come in handy more often than I would have expected.
6) Bonds
Between people, things, and nature.
People-
Once I get to know someone well enough and the bond between us is strong enough I can feel them whenever I put my mind to thinking about them, (or if they're close enough, so long as I don't actively try not to). ...did I mention I'm an empath? I'm an empath. I can feel the emotions that other people feel as if they were my own, and if my link to a person is strong enough they don't have to be next to me, they just have to be vaguely nearby. The stronger the connection, the further out that distance gets, depending on the strength of the emotion they're experiencing. To date, the strongest link was between a girlfriend and I, they were in the east coast and I was in Switzerland when the panice they suddenly started feeling swept over me while I was just chilling enjoying a museum. ...trippy. one of those kinds of experiences that makes me believe in energy. A bond between myself an another person is a conduit for energy and that's why I pick up their emotions. It also means I can transfer energy to them, take energy from them, work energy on or around them and do any number of other stupid energy tricks I've learned.
Nature.
I don't have any kind of proof to document this... because if I could prove it was real it would fuck with my head too much, but I think I can call weather. Like anything with energy it doesn't work all the time, and maybe it's just coincidence when I call for a type of weather and it comes, but it seems like it works more often then not if my energy is doing what it's supposed to. (Though a valid counter response is that I'm just sensitive enough to changes in pressure in the ozone that I make myself believe I want the kind of weather that's coming. THAT we have documented evidence for :-P ... ah rational side of my brain... never giving up). Ties to nature isn't just about bringing rain or sun when I want it though. Largley it also ties to plant life and feeling like parks that have particularly active plants respond to my presence, feed me energy, pull stress off of me, and general shelter me if I'm under attack. My guess is that growing up working energy in a Redwood forest just has me more tuned into that kind of thing then other people. For all I know trees always respond that way to humanity and most of us just don't notice. I also pull energy directly from the earth just by walking over it and if I'm near a body of water or a place where there once was water even then I feel pulled in to that location.
Things-
Anything I wear or keep near me I use as a battery. I charge it with my energy so that if I get tired or weary I can pull the energy back out of it to replenish myself. Since more often then not I have too much energy it's usually not a problem. My own energy is also easy to recognize, so in the same way that I'm empathic to other people I can (to a much lesser degree) do the same thing with objects that I've put some of my energy into, just as far as tracking them and working energy through them. ...I guess I can also somewhat 'feel' around them the way that I feel other things with energy, but that doesn't work as well... it's pretty weak.
7) Ornaments
The last few things are ornamentation. They aren't the kind of epic, world altering things that the rest of the list is. Armor on call is just a set of shields that forms to my body and if you look into any book on energy working I'm sure you can find some references to shields in their. Similarly I've crafted weapons for use with tearing down other energy structures, severing ties or attacking other sentient things of energy, people/spirits/demons/whatever. ...haven't ever fucked with a god yet, though I've seen the imprint of one after a pagan ceremony once. At the time it was easier to just sort of duck my head and be unseen. ...if you want you can look up techniques for shrouding too, that's also not so hard, unless your aura is as large as mine... then it's a bit more tricky. Though I twitch violently for the comparison it's much easier to hide something human sized or smaller then it is to try and hide something that is a block wide. ...stupid massive aura.
So the above is the hitlist. Reconnecting those 6 things in whatever order seems most convenient. I'm powerful enough as it is that even without 1 and 2 I can still pretty much take care of myself, and wreck or protect things, so I may not need to try and rebuild/refind? those things. The dynamo is an immediate must, which I think I follow with the portal then the energy converter, or something like that in its place. After all those things then its getting more energy in bonds pushed around. ...*sigh* so back to tinkering and rebuilding years worth of work.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Fragments
I've found myself so utterly broken through the last two years worth of events. One bad relationship dominoed into another bad relationship, into a really shitty job into another bad relationship (actually the worst one so far). So it's just recently that I'm getting back on my feet... and all the masterworks of energy that I'd crafted over years and years of working energy on myself and everything else have all but been extinguished or destroyed. I always play it close to the hilt but this was an all-time low/close call. So now I go to putting the masterwork back up... but I'm starting from the foundations because those are pretty much gone too.
Step 1 is my body. Making sure that every part of me is in my mind and is working as best it can. Then it's getting the path of energy to flow right. Clearing any blockages caused by stress, tense muscles, or existing bad energy. Then it's revitalizing my chakras so they are all strong, all there, and all burning brightly. Then it's linking those together into one cohesive whole. That's... just the begining though. That's enough to be able to start crafting new pieces again. At the moment I'm just on the first step, having just realized I haven't been doing that. So for now it's just pushing the energy into my skin, bones, and muscles so that it has a direct overlay of me. More extensive/bizzare energy work will follow, but for now it's enough to get the basics right. ...I have a long way to go.
On the other hand something that I'd tried before is I think going to work out this time, though the approach is subtly different. An idea I had at one point was to try and make new chakras near my hands to try and make energy manipulation easier. It backfired horribly because concentrating the energy in that spot fucked up the normal flow of energy that passed under that point. ...So now I find myself trying this again but without just massing power there. It's more of using energy to make a gate that binds the flow of energy there with energy to elsewhere, though the focus is centered in the triple burner chakra (middle of the chest, or #4 going bottom to top) both as far as pulling additionally energy out of myself to work with faster, or as far as pulling energy from the world in, to charge/replenish myself when I'm exhausted. The additional bonus if it works is that I tend to hold a lot of stress in my wrists so this may help counteract the kind of blockages that creates.
Time will tell... it always does. In the meantime I've finally written something else other then the preface so writing more now will be easier.
Step 1 is my body. Making sure that every part of me is in my mind and is working as best it can. Then it's getting the path of energy to flow right. Clearing any blockages caused by stress, tense muscles, or existing bad energy. Then it's revitalizing my chakras so they are all strong, all there, and all burning brightly. Then it's linking those together into one cohesive whole. That's... just the begining though. That's enough to be able to start crafting new pieces again. At the moment I'm just on the first step, having just realized I haven't been doing that. So for now it's just pushing the energy into my skin, bones, and muscles so that it has a direct overlay of me. More extensive/bizzare energy work will follow, but for now it's enough to get the basics right. ...I have a long way to go.
On the other hand something that I'd tried before is I think going to work out this time, though the approach is subtly different. An idea I had at one point was to try and make new chakras near my hands to try and make energy manipulation easier. It backfired horribly because concentrating the energy in that spot fucked up the normal flow of energy that passed under that point. ...So now I find myself trying this again but without just massing power there. It's more of using energy to make a gate that binds the flow of energy there with energy to elsewhere, though the focus is centered in the triple burner chakra (middle of the chest, or #4 going bottom to top) both as far as pulling additionally energy out of myself to work with faster, or as far as pulling energy from the world in, to charge/replenish myself when I'm exhausted. The additional bonus if it works is that I tend to hold a lot of stress in my wrists so this may help counteract the kind of blockages that creates.
Time will tell... it always does. In the meantime I've finally written something else other then the preface so writing more now will be easier.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Preface
This is a blog about the world of energy around me. To a person who is so thoroughly westernized it seems largely like the rantings of one who is deranged. But that's where a layer of abstraction comes in. You will never know who I am, and is unlikely that by some strange circumstance you happen to come across this blog and become my reader, that I will ever really get to know you.
Energy isn't something that's taboo unless you're in the US. I've tried talking to people about it here and I can see them visibly repulsed by the topic. Often times it seems like fear. I imagine that many of the people who don't want to talk about energy have experienced it on some level of their consciousness and it is something that they didn't understand, shut out, and have become hostile to. That's us humanity, we fear what we don't understand.
But if you're not in the US then you'll find that the concept of energy has circulated through religions and cultures throughout the world. In China especially we see instances of a well developed model of energy which is even used to try and cure people of their diseases. Though some arguments can be made against the effectiveness of this kind of practice, since it's been around for a few thousand years I can only hope that there was something to it.
Actually... I myself am a practitioner of a form of acupuncture that uses jewel's instead of needles, and it seems like it works. But there's the rub. It 'seems' like it works. The ability to verify anything of the workings of energy is almost nonexistant. I've yet to hear of any kind of study that proves definitively that some kind of energy working does what it is supposed to do. I don't have a way of proving it either. I work energy and sometimes the thing that I am trying to accomplish happens, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it happens, but the result is delayed and most things you can do with energy can be explained by other phenomena.
So, why do I believe in energy? Because sometimes it is much simpler with what I have seen and experienced to believe that energy is real then it is to try and find some other explanation. That said, it's only theory unless it can be proved, and since it can't, I don't want to create a place where there can be any kind of argument.
This then, will be the repository for my most recent dealings with energy and whatever else I happen to shove here. Take it as whatever you will... the world you cannot see, a fantastical creation of a brilliant mind, the rantings of a crazy person, or a shared hallucination that more then a few people participate in, I don't really care.
Here's my experience, and it is what it is.
Energy isn't something that's taboo unless you're in the US. I've tried talking to people about it here and I can see them visibly repulsed by the topic. Often times it seems like fear. I imagine that many of the people who don't want to talk about energy have experienced it on some level of their consciousness and it is something that they didn't understand, shut out, and have become hostile to. That's us humanity, we fear what we don't understand.
But if you're not in the US then you'll find that the concept of energy has circulated through religions and cultures throughout the world. In China especially we see instances of a well developed model of energy which is even used to try and cure people of their diseases. Though some arguments can be made against the effectiveness of this kind of practice, since it's been around for a few thousand years I can only hope that there was something to it.
Actually... I myself am a practitioner of a form of acupuncture that uses jewel's instead of needles, and it seems like it works. But there's the rub. It 'seems' like it works. The ability to verify anything of the workings of energy is almost nonexistant. I've yet to hear of any kind of study that proves definitively that some kind of energy working does what it is supposed to do. I don't have a way of proving it either. I work energy and sometimes the thing that I am trying to accomplish happens, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it happens, but the result is delayed and most things you can do with energy can be explained by other phenomena.
So, why do I believe in energy? Because sometimes it is much simpler with what I have seen and experienced to believe that energy is real then it is to try and find some other explanation. That said, it's only theory unless it can be proved, and since it can't, I don't want to create a place where there can be any kind of argument.
This then, will be the repository for my most recent dealings with energy and whatever else I happen to shove here. Take it as whatever you will... the world you cannot see, a fantastical creation of a brilliant mind, the rantings of a crazy person, or a shared hallucination that more then a few people participate in, I don't really care.
Here's my experience, and it is what it is.
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